Selah March

June 18, 2008

Ob.ser.va.tion.al

Filed under: blah blah blah — Selah March @ 3:25 pm

I don’t know if this is true for the entire country/world/universe, but around here it’s the scrawniest little pencil-necked, chip-as-big-as-a-mofo-house-on-his-shoulder, sweet-baby-Jesus-could-you-try-to- compensate-MORE-for-your-lack-of-stature dudes who drive the largest, shiniest pick-up trucks. Here’s a clue for all the guys under 5’6″ driving a GMC with enough acreage for its own zip-code: If you’re getting laid at all? It’s IN SPITE of the truck, I promise you. Because you look like a spider monkey swinging down out of the cab of that thing, and while spider monkeys are damned precious, they ain’t sex-ass no matter how you cut it.

Also? When you straddle two parking spots in a crowded lot in order to protect your “baby” from dings and scrapes? That makes people — like me, for instance — think about digging their keys into the side of your pretty little souped-up four-wheel-drive. (I would never DO it. I just THINK about it. Because I’m a nice person like that.)

Looky!

A photo of fabulous author and my new BFF Dakota Cassidy and her handsome paramour — the only man I know who can get away with wearing a sparkly lavender cowboy hat and still retain his considerable masculinity — on top of a picture of my yellow bag, otherwise known as, “OH MY GOD, they skinned Big Bird!”

I can hear Dakota retching all the way from Texas. It makes me smile.

In closing, the Barefoot Contessa is neither barefoot, nor a contessa. Discuss.

ETA: Check my brilliant and ever-stylish crit partner’s blog, which I did NOT read prior to posting the above, hand to God, as it were. She’s asked for the return of her half the shared brain. I’m negotiating as we speak.

9 Comments »

  1. Give me back my half of the brain, dammit.

    Go read MY blog today.

    Comment by Barb Ferrer — June 18, 2008 @ 3:34 pm | Reply

  2. Is it bad of me that I like the bag? Is that a faux pas? I’ll have to watch What Not To Wear more.

    Comment by evagale — June 18, 2008 @ 5:41 pm | Reply

  3. Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    “If you’re getting laid at all? It’s IN SPITE of the truck, I promise you.”

    Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    Comment by FerfelaBat — June 19, 2008 @ 6:45 am | Reply

  4. Dang, that ex-beauty queen is positively viral. Can’t go anywhere without bumping into her these days. Good thing she’s a trip.

    I believe Stacy and Clinton would support the bag. It is a stylish pop of color (good gawd, why did it have to be THAT color, though?) and large enough to hold all your “stuff,” whatever that “stuff” may be. (I have a checkbook and a cell phone in my purse. If stuffing things in my pockets didn’t make my butt look bigger than it already is, I wouldn’t have a purse at all.)

    As for the Shod Non-contessa: I just made a cake from a box mix and slathered it with canned frosting. I suspect she would not approve.

    Comment by kerryallen — June 19, 2008 @ 10:55 am | Reply

  5. LMAO…. You are way too funny Selah.

    Dakota is gonna shit being in the same post as that Yellow Bag… You EVIL woman πŸ™‚

    Comment by terrises — June 19, 2008 @ 1:40 pm | Reply

  6. I just saw my life pass before my eyes. Not just because that bag’ll burn your retinas, but because I look like a drunk crack whore with her pimp. Snort.

    And Stacy and Clinton make mistakes, too… ust sayin’

    Hugs, honey,
    DC πŸ™‚

    Comment by Dakota Cassidy — June 19, 2008 @ 2:32 pm | Reply

  7. Oh, and P/S–you should carve your name in to his leather seats, and afterward, you wander through the streets of some deserted town, hair blowing in the faux, movie studio wind, jeans so tight it’s a wonder you can walk, while you hope he’ll think the next time before he cheats.

    Just a thought from me to you πŸ™‚

    Comment by Dakota Cassidy — June 19, 2008 @ 3:59 pm | Reply

  8. Ah, Dakota. The ONLY one to get the Carrie Underwood reference. THIS is why I love you more than my luggage. πŸ™‚

    Comment by Selah March — June 20, 2008 @ 10:08 am | Reply

  9. LMAO–I can be like that-more lovable than luggage πŸ™‚

    DC πŸ™‚

    Comment by Dakota Cassidy — June 21, 2008 @ 1:33 pm | Reply


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