Selah March

July 8, 2008

3 things I have learned in the past 13 days.

Filed under: blah blah blah — Selah March @ 12:41 pm

1. There are worse things than paying $4.30 for a gallon of gas. Namely, that queasy feeling in your gut when you realize you tried to stretch those last few gallons too far, and now it’s after ten at night on a one-lane back road in the middle of a torrential downpour, the little “distance to empty” light on your dashboard is blinking “3 miles” when you know for an absolute FACT that the nearest gas station is at least 5 miles away, and…AND…you’ve got somebody else’s kids in your car. And your phone is dead like a dead thing.

1. a. That little “distance to empty” light? Is a lying liar that lies. Or maybe it just likes to watch me break out into a cold sweat, cuss a blue streak (under my breath, because of the whole “somebody else’s kids on board” thing) and have what amounts to a small nervous breakdown when the van makes it all the way to the gas station’s entrance and dies as we coast toward the pumps. Because it would not surprise me to discover that my shiny new mini-van is both sentient and harbors a desire to fuck with my head.

2. Folks who live in upscale planned communities in western Pennsylvania take their Independence Day celebrations VERY seriously, to the tune of ten of thousands of dollars worth of professional-grade – and totally illegal – fireworks. And should you express concern about the whole “what if the cops show up?” aspect of the festivities? They will accuse of you of being a leftist-pinko-commie Democrat – affectionately, of course, while they swig micro-brewed beer and light their cigars off a sparkler snagged from a passing child. (Ah, America. Land of the free, home of the “my wealth and prosperity, LET ME SHOW YOU IT!”)

3. Deadlines are a necessary evil, but EVILLLLLLLLLLL nonetheless. And blown deadlines that make you sick with guilt and panic and “oh my GOD, I’m NEVER going to finish this thing?” Are the most evil of all.

And so I go to ground again, back into the shadows like a gopher with vampirism. Or something.

8 Comments »

  1. A friend of mine just emailed me one of your articles from a while back. I read that one a few more. Really enjoy your blog. Thanks

    Comment by Josh Maxwell — July 8, 2008 @ 1:00 pm | Reply

  2. ho my gawd that sounds so bad. Like you need a barrel of Patron, bad.

    (I thought fireworks were legal in PA? There are stores EVERYWHERE over the river)

    Comment by evagale — July 8, 2008 @ 1:35 pm | Reply

  3. I think certain grades of fireworks are legal, but we’re talking the big boomers. The ones that make a professional show, with the amazing colors way up in the sky? Wouldn’t you need a permit to put on a show like that, at the very least?

    Comment by Selah March — July 8, 2008 @ 1:54 pm | Reply

  4. I have no idea about the permits, all I know is at the exit a mile away there are three stores RIGHT THERE. There really is an aura of No Big Deal around here with it (believe me, I don’t agree). They shoot them off all the time by me and light up the lake. I wouldn’t let my kids touch them though. Some other doofus can blow off his hand.

    Comment by evagale — July 8, 2008 @ 2:20 pm | Reply

  5. Which, all in all, makes for a far more entertaining Fourth than I had, pet. *ducks and runs*

    Comment by Barb Ferrer — July 8, 2008 @ 10:39 pm | Reply

  6. My drunken fratboy neighbors were shooting them off until 3 a.m. four nights in a row, and the only sound I really, really wanted to hear was the ambulance siren responding to one or all of them having blown off face, fingers, or other appendages.

    I’ll just grind my teeth about noise until about 10, but any later than that, I want blood.

    Comment by Kerry Allen — July 10, 2008 @ 10:19 am | Reply

  7. Last year, we had to board our dogs over the fourth, even though we didn’t go anywhere, just to keep them from freaking out over the noise. When I had babies, I used to lose my mind trying to get them to sleep through it. And it’s worse every year.

    Comment by Selah March — July 10, 2008 @ 1:29 pm | Reply

  8. aww poor Selah… Glad you made it to the gas station at least

    Comment by terrises — July 17, 2008 @ 11:24 pm | Reply


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