Selah March

December 18, 2008

Things that make me go HEE!

Filed under: blah blah blah — Selah March @ 12:31 pm

Full disclosure: I read most of the first book in the Twilight series, skimmed what I couldn’t bear to fully digest, but passed on the movie…though I did allow Youngest Spawn to see it, precipitating a full hour of raving over the coolness that is Vampire Wuv, followed by two hours of deprogramming by yours truly.

Highlights included:

ME: “So if you were seventeen and you woke up to find your boyfriend watching you while you slept — in your bedroom, where he hadn’t been invited — what would you do? Keep in mind your future as a normal American teenager is at stake here, because there’s always the option of sending you to live with your grandmother in the tiny, primitive village of Neohori, on the tiny, primitive island of Chios, where the streets are too narrow for cars and your weekends will be spent making pilgrimages to the shrines of various Orthodox saints and martyrs, not to mention attending the celebration of the liturgy at the convent of Nea Moni.”

SPAWN: “Uh…”

ME: “Try harder.”

SPAWN: “But it’s so ROMANTIC. He loves her SO MUCH.”

ME: “BZZZZT. The words you’re looking for here aren’t ‘romantic’ and ‘love’ so much as ‘unhealthy,’ ‘stalker-like’ and ‘obsessed.’ How ’bout this one? What if every time you proposed to act independently and make your own decisions, your boyfriend tried to force you to do what HE wanted instead?”

SPAWN: “That depends. Am I making stupid decisions?”

ME: “You make stupid decisions all the time. Your refuse to wear a coat in December in the northeast. You live on Rice Crispies. When I try to get you to reconsider, you call me controlling and mean, and insist you want to learn from your own mistakes.”

SPAWN: “But Mom? You don’t sparkle.”

So you can see why THIS made me howl with slightly hysterical laughter. This part in particular brought me joy:

KRISTEN STEWART (upon waking to find the vampire watching her sleep in her own damn bedroom): Holy fucking shit! If you weren’t so hot I’d have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?


KRISTEN STEWART: But I’ve only lived here one month according to the script.

ROBERT PATTINSON: Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don’t get hung up on shit like that.

Second only to this:

KRISTEN STEWART: Dad, you’re embarrassing me almost as much as my acting! I’m just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I’ll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.

BILLY BURKE: Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It’s literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.

KRISTEN STEWART: Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don’t need this!

BILLY BURKE: Really? Weren’t you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?

KRISTEN STEWART: Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent or physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!

And this:

PETER FACINELLI: Kristen’s been bitten! She’ll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can’t do it for some reason or another.

ROBERT PATTINSON: Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?

PETER FACINELLI: Look, all I know is that even though it’s going to be REALLY HARD, you’re just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.

And, of course, this:

KRISTEN STEWART: I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.KRISTEN STEWART

: So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART: I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON: At least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

ME: “BZZZZT. Wrong again. But thanks for playing.”

*Edited to add: Note pingbacks in comments from the Robert Pattinson Fan Club?

All hands on deck. Man the lifeboats. Women, children and boys with big eyes, pretty lips and tight butts first. The deluge is expected in ten…nine…eight…


  1. […] Read more: Things that make me go HEE! | […]

    Pingback by Robert Pattinson Fansclub » Blog Archive » Things that make me go HEE! — December 18, 2008 @ 1:07 pm | Reply

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    Pingback by Robert Pattinson Fansclub » Blog Archive » Things that make me go HEE! — December 18, 2008 @ 1:42 pm | Reply

  3. I feel like a very bad mother that I didn’t analyse the story like that at all. I didn’t LOVE it, but I let HERSELF read it and she glommed it. I was so spectacularly happy she was reading I didn’t even think about those aspects of the story.

    But I asked her who Robert Pattinson was and tho I didn’t know, she did. 🙂 I’m very unplugged, what can I say? I guess I better get more …plugged.

    Comment by Eva Gale — December 18, 2008 @ 2:52 pm | Reply

  4. Meh. I let Chickalicious read it, and I guarantee she doesn’t give a fig what I think.

    The characters rubbed me the wrong way…probably because I was very doormat-like as a teen girl, and my steady boyfriend was a controlling asswipe who insisted he was “protecting” me when he told me I wasn’t “allowed” to ride in a car with anyone but him and my immediate family, nor was I “permitted” to speak to any male between the ages of 12 and 40 other than him. At parties, I was to sit by his side and try not to make eye-contact with other males of the species.

    For my own good, naturally. To keep me SAFE. Because men are beasts.

    Yeah…that was LOVE.

    Eventually, I dumped his sorry, insecure ass to date any number of other young men. He went on to get the high school principal’s daughter knocked up. He married her, they fought like cobras and mongooses (mongeese?) and were divorced six months after the baby’s birth. And thus was I vindicated.

    Because nobody puts Baby in the corner. :p

    Comment by Selah March — December 18, 2008 @ 11:48 pm | Reply

  5. Well, you know how I feel about the Sparkly, but I have to say, I absolutely love Rob Pattinson and want to just pet him and call him anything but Edward. Need more proof as to how on the ball this guy is?

    “If Edward was not a fictional character and you just met him in reality, you know, he’s one of those guys who’d be like an axe murderer. He’s ultra-polite and really formal all the time and like, ‘Let me open the door! Let me carry the bags!'”

    Pattinson shakes his head, adding with a laugh, “Literally, you can just tell he’d freak out one day and shoot someone.”


    “I first read it and thought Stephenie was mad….It felt like reading some woman’s fantasy…its almost voyeuristic…its sick”


    And my favorite:

    When you read the book…it’s like ‘Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.’ He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin, so he’s obviously got some issues there.


    And for the win, Rob’s next project is a small indie film called Little Ashes playing, of all people, Salvador Dali.

    Comment by Barb Ferrer — December 20, 2008 @ 10:23 pm | Reply

  6. That was very funny but almost romance or erotic story can parodied like that. I mean really. How many woman have mind blowing orgasms the very first time they have sex? And how many men have the most awesome and perfectly sized appendages that are truly made exactly to fit the heroine’s hoohaw? I know you know what I mean. Sometimes you gotta suspend your disbelief to enjoy the story. Come on Selah, just lay back and enjoy the sparkly.

    Comment by tate — December 23, 2008 @ 7:07 pm | Reply

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